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By Graham Earnshaw

All was quiet in the shop, the fruit were asleep.
The slumbering oranges piled in a heap.
The pineapples snored, the tangerines dreamed
Of a far-away land where the sun always seemed
To be shining and warm. It was cold where they lay
On the shelves near the door, in the hours before day.

“Good morning!” the radio suddenly cried.
“It’s time to wake up, the sun’s shining outside.
“We’ve got some hot tunes to brighten your day
“We’ve got oldies but goodies and needless to say
“We’ll also play lots of the latest sensations.
“Our music’s so good it causes heart palpitations.”

The fruit all woke up to the musical beat
They stretched and they yawned and some tapped their feet.
But two of the apples, they listened in awe
They’d never heard anything like it before.
The drum beat was shaking them, melodies flew
Synthesisers and guitars, and vocals too.
They both thought: “I could sing better myself,
“A star I will be, no more stuck on the shelf.”

Let me introduce you: Agnes and Edwina.
Agnes was red, Edwina was greener.
They suddenly knew what they wanted to be –
Pop music stars ‘cos alternatively
They had an extremely strong kind of a hunch
That they could soon end up as somebody’s lunch.
They started to sing and to wiggle about
They’d have shaken their hips if they’d had them, no doubt.
Agnes was certain that she had it made
She shouted: “I’ll top the Top Ten Fruit Parade.”
“No, it’s me that will make it,” Edwina declared.
“A place in the spotlight cannot be shared.”
They started to argue, and violence was used
You know how a girl apple hates to be bruised.

Now as it happened, one shelf below
Was an entrepreneurial durian named Joe.
He had a good nose for fruit acts, it was said.
Bananarama and the Grapeful Dead
Were just two of the groups he was said to have found.
He looked up and said: {“Hey girls, I like your sound!
“A couple of good looking apples like you
“Could go far if you really wanted to to do.
“We’ll make you a duo, you can sing harmony.
“I’ll manage you for a twenty-five per cent fee.”

Edwina and Agnes both scowled wickedly.
A duo was not what they wanted to be.
“I wll only sing solo,” said Agnes, and pouted.
“So will I, I won’t saing with her,” Edwina shouted.
“Now Cherry Lee lewis, he made it alone,”
Agnes added. “He had no need of a clone.”
“And also Chuck Berry,” Edwina replied.
“Mixed fruit salad was something he could never abide.”

“If you say so,” said Durian Joe, “But you see
“I can’t take two solo acts simultaneously.
“We must have a contest to see which has appeal.”
“Oh we’ve got one of those!” said the two with a squeal.
So all of the fruit were formed up in committee
To judge which was best, velvet-voiced, cute and witty.
They each sang a song, the fruit gave each a score.
The applause was half-hearted, in fact both were a bore.

The durian smiled and said: “There, told you so.
“Now just to please me, have a go as a duo.”

The apples reluctantly gave it a try
And after a chorus or two had gone by
They began to enjoy singing in harmony
And they danced a duet just as neat as could be.
The oranges cheered, the boy apples swooned
As Edwina and Agnes strutted and crooned.
And when the song ended, the fruit all went wild.
Edwina and Agnes, they bowed and they smiled.
“All right, we’ll do it together,” they said.
Durian Joe gave them pats on the head.

Edwina and Agnes became major stars.
They bought houses at Malibu Peach and big cars.
They had money and fame and sold millions of albums.
They had servants – mostly Mexican girl plums.

So I tell you: of selfish ambition beware.
For two apples to make it, they must be …

a pear.

the end

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